I miss u each time I met a new guy. Everytime I ate gummies. Whenever I read the journal I wrote from the day u left; & for each day I had to pull myself out of bed feeling the discomfort of an onset of deep nausea, outbreak of cold sweat & the wild desire to skip work for the day.

It seem just like yesterday u were still part of my life; part of me. When nothing could go wrong as long as u're here with me. I told u all things that I never used to share cuz u make me feel alright, u put things right even though I could be in the worst situation ever.

Now even though we're still friends, I can feel that u just can't seem to trust me as much as u used to be anymore.

U forgot the gurl who stayed online with u til wee, whom u're so willing to share ur thoughts with back then. U forgot how we used to laugh, chat & get high. U forgot u said that u trust me when I ask u why u are so willing to share. U forgot that I have not changed one bit; even though looking at the things I've done, I could have changed in behaviour in ur perceptions, deep inside I'm still that gurl u've known.

Still that gurl that'll be there for u, for whatever reasons.

I willed myself not to pin for u anymore. As much as I know there's nothing wrong in doing so. I don't know what's up with me exactly, but I know it must have something to do with not wanting to succumb to vulnerability. what good is it if it leaves me strangely hollowed? I used to stand so strong; now I'm reduced to a pathetically fragile state. I became more defensive than ever, & I forgot since when I had trouble believing every guys who told me they love me. As much as I try, I remained unconvinced of possibilties.

I tried all means to find a way out & eventually I found this person who loves me with all that he has. It's still a very ambiguous situation between us but he's contented just knowing that I will accept him. But I know that I wasn't totally in love with him, I'm just trying to love him; I'm just touched by his sincerity.

& It makes me feel freaking UGLY.

I can think that I'm so in love with him one minute & wishing he's u in the next. How amazing.

I can't do this anymore.

I miss u all wrong, & it's beginning to kill me.

Happy fucking new year