I'm not exactly feeling any urge to write now but I'm too awake at 6am to be idling. So here's a random short entry just to stuff up this space for awhile.

Okay what I want to say today is
I'm Shy.

OKOK, stop laughing.

I get alot of my mates saying, 'Yeah, right!', & they continue laughing. Then they would go, 'U?! Shy?' & the laughter continues, louder this time.

But I am really shy! Yes, I may have been what I was in secondary school, vocal, outspoken & full of crappy nonsense. It is true that I would have something to say, & u would never fail to hear from me if it's regarding something that I am interested in.

However
I can't small talk for nuts.
For one person who meets many people, I can't small talk about the weather, what's good in the movies, how who & who was dressing the other day. I hate small talk. Its one thing that I am a total goner at. Somehow I become very conscious that it remains really small. Meaning that I cannot bring the other party into something more intense, some ideology.

If u want me to go up to someone & chat with him/ her, a total stranger, my mind would go bust. I cannot seem to find the correct words, connecting sentences & I go into a disarray. I end up entirely self-conscious, my grammer sounds wierd, my vocabulary ends up limited & I mess it up. So much for first impressions.

Thus, I totally shut up, not wanting to embarrass anyone. Imagine me stuttering & trying so hard to get us talking? Imagine me asking u how was ur day twice?

Then I get labeled.
Snobbish, stuck up, unfriendly (erm..u can continue on it..), were used. For me, it is a balance between a verbal diarrhoea on issues that u won't have a clue on, or a mental constipation over what shall we chat about after this sentence. It’s really not about me being unfriendly.

It’s chemistry, a compatibility of two people to become friends, then there's a commonness to communicate well. But of course, there’re definitely more to it than that to become friends. Its way more than just meeting at events & social gathering for a strong friendship to develop. It takes the willingness to share ur thoughts, company & time.

So, more convinced that I am shy now? Serious, I was, & still am. One of the many facades u might have problem believing.