I don’t believe in reincarnation. U mean, I have to go through this mess again?

Today, my brains malfunctioned. Somehow it didn’t perform at all. I guess it happens when one’s going through a bumpy patch. & That’s when u just wanna shut out whatever u don’t want to be happening in ur life.

Okay, I’m blue. I’m human too.
Can I admit it like finally?
Please?
I don’t want my blog to be depressing, thus I’ve been trying to blog about everything else but how I felt inside. But in the point of fact, I was perpetually waiting for the day I am genuinely happy. Not just for the sake of telling myself only.
Still waiting.

& Til the past week, I know I couldn’t live up to the notion of writing okay things anymore. So I hanged my pen.

I don’t like to be reminded of unhappy patches in my life.
But I can’t freaking take it anymore.

Too many thoughts ran through my head. I can’t freaking get to sleep most of the days & it’s becoming a habit.

My work. It’s driving me crazy. I tell myself no, it’s not getting me anywhere near being depressed, but I’m afraid it is. Just that I’m too strong headed to admit it. I don’t know what exactly I’m stressing over, that makes me crazier then I thought I guess. So it scares myself. There’re a few times I bawled into my pillow the minute my alarm goes off because I so dreaded work. I must be losing it. & When I think back at my workplace when there were no customers, I seriously think I’m crazy. If not on the brink of breaking down. & Yes it scares myself again. The future is so bleak, & yet at this crucial time, I was being doubted. I was being reprimanded. I had to put up a brave strong front when in fact I am crumbling inside. I dreaded work, cuz I dread mistakes.

& Because I dreaded mistakes, I reacted violently to expectations. I just want to be left alone to do my things. I don’t wanna try to be the perfect friend or lover to anyone cuz I know I’m not perfect. & All these while when I’m trying to meet every farking one’s expectation I feel disgusted with myself. Am I acting or am I acting? But gosh I have to, because I can’t make any mistakes. I don’t wanna make any mistakes.
I hate mistakes.

I couldn’t tolerate them especially when it’s on myself.
I think I have a big problem.

A little action gets interpreted & analyzed on different approaches. Some people call me an emotional wreck & that I’m acting strangely. Some people said I’ve been thinking too much. But hell, no one knows me at all if they dare say all these to me. It’s no one’s fault though, cuz in the very first place, they wasn’t expected to understand. Even I don’t understand myself, how would other people? However while they don’t understand me, please do not misunderstand me. That’s all I ask of u people.

There’s so much to say, & when I want to, my expression gets blocked. & all I want know is a simple fact, & ask a simple how.

But it’s so hard.
So tough.
I’m suffocating all along. How can u brand me insensitive when for all the times u overlook my withering soul, I didn’t blame u for that?

I am okay because I want to appear okay. I smiled & laughed, but my heart wasn’t in it. Are u sensitive towards that?

I’m so screwed.
Just let me get over & done with this messed up life of mine.