Mummy dearest

I’m glad things have changed for the better over these two years.

Back then I think u knew I hated u.
Especially when u don’t have faith in me, even though I’m always working hard towards being a perfect daughter. I struggled to bring clarity to what’s expected of me but I’m bewildered. Still, I’m trying to understand. Always trying.
& Trying.

Ur teeny-weeniest faith in me is worth all my exhaustion, but most of the time things don’t seem to go according to my expectation. Sometimes it appears to me that u are not appreciative of the effort I’ve put in. Or are u acting like u don’t?

I haven’t touched a cigarette in my life. Not to mention drugs. I do plan for my future in case u doesn’t know. I had a part to play too in taking sis in hand & I don’t sleep around. Remember u once tried to hurt me during a heated argument by insisting that I am sleeping around, & might even possibly undergone abortion secretly? Ur doubts about my principle didn’t hurt me.
It killed me.

Afterward u apologized, perhaps it is because u know u’re guilty of saying stuffs that a mother should never say to her daughter. Perhaps u see that I’m broken. Perhaps u think that I’m gonna hate u forever for saying that, but no. Some things are really mind over matter. If u don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.
& I mind, because u matter!

Subsequently, I somehow learnt to forgive.

It’s been 20 years. However to give everything a little more reflection, other than concluding that I’m a hot tempered, eccentric spoiled brat, u didn’t totally understand me. During really bad times, u choose to complicate the matter by thinking that I don’t love u; concluded from the meanest things I’ve blurted in fits of anger. During better times, u still think that I don’t love u cuz I was never serious. Actually I was merely being the very unexpressive person I always am, which u don’t understand. It’s demoralizing but however things are, it can never amend the fact that u’re still the greatest woman in the world, one that I’ll never stop loving. There is forever if u believe!

Since the day both of u decided to go separate ways, u’ve been the key element that’s holding this family together. When we argue, u choose to believe that I’m blind to everything, but well, I see u. I really do.

I see u dolling up sis & I with full concentration for every family outing when we were toddlers. (Childhood photos show all.) I see u patiently braiding my long hair every morning without fail throughout my entire primary school days. Oh yep, colorful elastic bands were actually not allowed in school, but I kept it from u til now because u think they’re pretty & I love the satisfaction on ur face each time u put them on my hair.

I remember the expression of anxiousness on ur face when I’m ill, especially back then I was a frail child. I remember how u took care of me for two whole weeks when I’m down with chicken pox in recent weeks. I remember how u always violently object to my dieting plans even during my fugly fat times.

I know u care, but u are just like me.
The output of words doesn’t usually tally with our inner most emotions. We’re mother & daughter after all!

That’s why I love u.

I will work hard so u can leave behind ur buzzing lifestyle. I will pay for ur mahjong, ktv sessions & every luxury u want to indulge in. I will get u a house, & try to strike it rich by 30 so I can (hopefully) retire & take care of u personally. No foreign maids are allowed to lay their hands on my precious mummy.

Happy advanced mother’s day =)

With all my love,
Me.